A few days ago the Ministry of Social Affairs asked the overall public of Estonia a question that could become one of the key-questions for the pre-election period. The question is: what should we do with same-sex families?

I personally do not see a reason to name it “marriage”, no, thanks. We are not demanding to be wedded in a church and wear the titles “husband” or “wife”, we are merely pointing out to the fact that our government should finally recognize same-sex unions as a form of family and protect them by settling “default” rights and obligations of such families. So, why not call it a Partnership?

Yes, some politicians claim that Estonian society is yet too intolerant for such law. Don’t you find that namely the government and legislators are in a position to change this attitude? Indeed, the government is not there to change the minds of citizens, but it should ensure that each and every citizen would feel wanted in their home country – we, Estonians, are not counted in millions, we cannot afford such neglecting.

Every time I read the comments of a gay-related article (yes, I still read them), I come to the same question: how, oh how will this law affect your daily life, dear heterosexuals? And I also find myself wondering, how is it possible that some people still believe that gay families and children in these families are something that has attacked us as seasonal fashion. Or, why there are so many ridiculous myths about homosexuality? There is a very simple answer to these questions – with this topic, the tool called “designing the attitude” hasn’t yet made it to the government, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I agree, the state cannot erase homophobia with a law; educate people that see themselves better, moral and more “normal” than “these homos”. But a state can and must use the law together with this “design” tool; this is a question of honor.

I don’t know how many people still believe that “gay” only means sexual relations, I find it rather absurd, though, that usually homophobes rise the sex-issue and then quickly state that “they don’t need to know who does what in their bedroom”; oh, for crying out loud, gays and lesbians too (as any decent human being, mind me saying so) are really not interested what’s happening in someone’s bedroom!

Family values, home, children – indeed very serious questions. And I agree that it is about time we start focusing on families and creating a society that supports such values in every way. Without a slightest doubt, every gay organization signs such an initiative without blinking an eye, the only question is – are we included? Is family really only about the sex of two people? Gays see family as everyone else – a union that sets certain rights and obligations, a social guarantee and a position in the society. If the union is strong, partners have a home, finances are stable… naturally a question of children rises. And (as in “heteroworld”) there are families who wish to have children and are ready for it, but also such that aren’t.

It would be incredibly naïve to seriously think that there have been no children raised in same-sex families – oh yes, there have. And, believe it or not, many of these children are grown up and have their own families (surprise, surprise, heterosexual families), many of these children are small, many children are still ideas in the heads of their parents, and so on.

The most important role that the state has today, is to form an attitude towards children that are brought up in such (same-sex) families. In other words, we have a situation where the child does not suffer because of his/her same-sex parents, but because of the society that is suffering from major prejudice.

Naturally, legislative rights are not only necessary for gay families with children, but to everyone that has a need to register their union and access certain social guarantees (joint assets, inheriting, social security etc.).
These might be some of the key-issues on what we could and should focus during this debate over same-sex unions, but there are also hundreds and thousands of smaller, emotional details that I meet with every single day. Like, how it feels like to be never invited to a company party of my partner; how it feels like to give explanations in a hospital: “Yes, she is not family, technically, but…”; or to hide the true name and face of your loved one, in front of family, friends; how it feels like to be beaten up for holding the hand of the person that you love..

And other such things about which a heterosexual person normally doesn’t think, but a gay person quite probably thinks every single day. Not because I want to, but because the society forces me.

Some time ago one politician told me not to get so “over-emotional with this issue” because it is not important at all. Yes, for you it is not, it doesn’t concern you in any way, for you we are just a nameless, faceless group of people. But for me this is maybe one of the most important questions in life. Why? Because I do not feel good in my country, my country turns its back on me every single day, my country tells me that I am not needed. And it is my little right to not agree with it.. Even when cursing myself every day for still loving Estonia unconditionally - for it is my homeland.